Dirtier than the Water in New Orleans

It's hard to even talk about THE ARISTOCRATS with going to list. So I'll get that out of the way first: Jason Alexander, Hank Azaria, Lewis Black, David Brenner, Drew Carey, George Carlin, Billy Connolly, Tim Conway, Andy Dick, Carrie Fisher, Whoopi Goldberg, Gilbert Gottfried, Hugh M. Hefner, Eric Idle, Eddie Izzard, Penn Jillette and Teller, Bill Maher, Mike McKean, Howie Mandel, Martin Mull, The Staff of the Onion, Emo Philips, Kevin Pollak, Don Rickles, Chris Rock, Rita Rudner, Bob Saget, Rob Schneider, Harry Shearer, Sarah Silverman, The Cartoon Children of South Park, Jon Stewart, Rip Taylor, The Amazing Johnathan, Scott 'Carrot Top' Thompson, Fred Willard, Robin Williams, Sten Wright. And that's just the half I think have name recognition. It was directed by Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller) and Paul Provenza. Provenza also had the amazing task of editing hours of footage of these hilarious interviews and performances.

The Aristocrats is a funny funny dirty movie. It is so vile and shocking that nothing I can say will prepare you for just how dirty it is. If you know anything about this movie than you know there is a joke, that comedians tell to each other, and the punchline is 'the aristocrats.' But the movie, like the joke, is so much more. It is not simply 84 comics retelling the same joke ... it is more a documentry about the joke, how its told, and the state of comedy today. And how much you can say before everyone in the audience groans. But it is a tight funny flick. Its not going to change the world, but if it is causing this much controversy it must be a good thing. Standouts in the movie would have to be Gilbert Gottfried, Bob Saget, who is just about the most perverted dirty disgusting man in showbiz, and the surprising Sarah Silverman, who I didn't really know but delivered the best 4 minutes in the movie. Another highlight was the telling of the joke by Billy the Mime. The boys of the show South Park do their own version, and the staff of the faux newspaper the Onion brainstorm every possible dirty offensive thing that one could include in the joke. The end result of the evening is a grin plastered to your face and new respect for the art of comedy and just how comedians bring their own style age old ideas.

The Aristocrats is recommended for lovers of comedy and comedians, tellers of poop jokes, and anyone who wants to exercise a little right to free speech. Rick's Rating: A-

Last Man Standing

With high-ranking Republicans being tied to scandals left and right (or as they would have you believe, left only), the landscape of the 2007 presidential scramble is suddenly changing. Yesterday, Texas bad boy and House Majority Leader TOM DELAY was indicted by a Texas Grand Jury for conspiring to illegally funnel corporate cash to state Republicans in 2002. BILL FRIST, senate majority leader and crazy bible-thumper now faces dual investigations by the U.S. attorney for the Southern District of New York and the Securities and Exchange Commission into his stock sales of his 'blind trust,' which he apparently knew quite a bit about. And then of course, there is Herr President's top advisor and so-called 'brain,' KARL ROVE, who is leaking names of CIA operatives in the field, is probably guilty of treason. Meanwhile, Arizona Senator JOHN McCAIN led a second hearingon steroids in sports with such tender moments as a letter from the little league association of america begging for the MLB to set a better example to America's youth. You tell me, who looks like a potential republican candidate for President? And do you think he's going toask Rove to work on his campaign? The same man who did his best to circulate false stories during the 2000 Republican primary such as: McCain was a stoolie for his captors in the Hanoi Hilton; McCain fathered a black daughter out of wedlock (a reference to McCain's adopted Bangladeshi daughter); Cindy McCain's drug "abuse"; and even McCain's "homosexuality." No, I think not.

This is good news for America, because it has become increasingly obvious in the last three years that McCain may be one of the most sane members left in the Republican party. I'm already on record saying I will register republican and vote in the primary to keep crazy religious loonies off the national ticket, and that I hope McCain will run again (since Bush basically stole the 2000 election from him with Rove's help). America can not help but be benefited by a moderate thinker (in opposition to Bush's evangelical unthinking leadership - or 'gut' leadership if you will) in the white house, one who has years of experience in politics in washington and who has actually worked with democrats (remember all the rumors about him as Kerry's running partner).

Is this good news for the Democrats? Well, probably not. They will pick up some momentum with Republican leaders falling to scandal, but there's not a man in the party that can run with John McCain... and the woman that most wants to, Hillary Clinton, will more than likely be the death of the 2008 presidential bid before the campaign even begins. So what do they do? I don't know, I'll leave that discussion up to all my democrat friends who all seem to know what's best for the party (and seems to me, know better than the party leadership). I'll continue to wait till someone actually bothers to win my vote, and stand up for freedom for all Americans. Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah, didn't think so.

Come on, no drug company could really be this unethical...

The scariest thing about THE CONSTANT GARDNER is that while it may not be true, it's completely plausible. Appologies first, I saw this movie on my trip so it's been a while but I am trying to catch up on my posts... Secondly, as per my norm, this is based on a book that I never read... but who has time for books when they have to go sit in 107 degree weather and watch concerts?

Anyway, the Fernando Meirelles (City of God) directed film looks great (cinematography strongly reminiscent of TRAFFIC) and tells a great story. The cast, lead by the always compelling Ray Fiennes as a low-ranking British diplomat, gives moving and exciting performances. (It is always good to see Kobayashi (Pete Postlethwaite) in a role of questionable trust.) The basic premise is that Feinne's wife is killed in a developing African nation and there is a huge government coverup to protect whatever rats she may have found in whatever closets. The details are especially frightening, and I won't ruin it by telling you, but be prepared. The story is one that reeks of our own disinterest in the African continent and hope the movie-going public will be properly chagrinned. The main problem with the movie, however, is the way the director chooses to tell the story, which undercuts the mystery element of what is essentially a Mystery movie.

It is no great surprise to reveal that Rachel Weisz, who plays Fienne's revolutionary wife, dies at the opening of the movie. The rest of the film is basically concerned with the unravelling of the reasons behind her death. The problem is that we are treated to several minutes (around 20 actually) of scenes that Fiennes would have not been privy. So the audience always knows more then him and we are just waiting for him to catch up. Far more effective are the moments where Fiennes remembers a situation and learns later that something far different was actually going on. Most of this illogical story-telling occurs in the first thirty minutes and once we get past that the movie is quite an enjoyable watch. However, enough of it occurs that the 'revelation' is hardly that, so it's a mystery film where the mystery is tied up relatively easy and then we have to move on to what's done about it. And seeing how this is not a big budget action film, there is not any chance that this process is going to be any more interesting than the quest for truth we've just had.

I don't know, maybe the book handles it better - I couldn't help but feel there was a lot of exposition glossed over rather quickly and poorly at times. Or maybe there is a whole nother edit in the can that flows more like a traditional suspense/mystery. I couldn't help but feel it was a really great story being held back by a pretty poor story-teller. THE CONSTANT GARDENER is recommended for fans of political conspiracy movies, anyone thinking about working for an overseas drug company, fans of writer Jean Le Carre, and people who can't make it through Grandpa's stories without figuring out the ending. Rick's Rating: B-

Not So Intelligently Designed Textbooks

So yesterday began the important court case that anyone who cares about education should be following. Although Her President wants to make sure that no child is left behind, apparently he is unconcern that those that keep up are receiving actual factual information. 11 parents are suing the Dover Area School District in south-central Pennsylvania for including the 'theory' of intelligent design in science class. In summary, Intelligent Design goes against all scientific thinking, much of which has been in place for 140 years, to say that Darwin's Theory of Evolution cannot possibly explain the the complexities of creation and THEREFORE THERE MUST BE A HIGHER POWER WHO DESIGNED IT ALL. This ridiculous assertation is based on no facts, nor scientific reasoning, and has been discounted by the entire scientific community. The number of criticismss of this so-called 'theory' are too numerous to mention, but seeing how no article on the 'theory' has ever been accepted into a peer-reviewed scientific journal, and those that have been published in journals set up specifically for forwarding the pseudo-science have been routinely denounced for their poor scholarship, and failure to cite and specifically rebut the actual data supporting evolution, and constructing "a rhetorical edifice out of omission of relevant facts, selective quoting, bad analogies, knocking down strawmen, and tendentious interpretations," ( wow...) I think it's fairly obvious that it is not something that should be included in schools.
Opponents of Intelligent Design including the American Association for the Advancement of Science and the National Association of Biology Teachers say intelligent design is an attempt by the Christian right to teach creationism -- the belief that God created the world -- in public schools under the guise of a theory that does not explicitly mention God. The Supreme Court banned the teaching of creationism in public schools in a 1987 ruling. Herr President recently said in an interview that he believed that "both sides ought to be properly taught . . . so people can understand what the debate is about." Of course, I don't know how you properly teach a 'theory' that cannot be tested and has no basis in actual science.

Anyway, this theory is what Pennsylvania wants to teach it's children as an alternate to real science, i.e. Darwin (some might say hey, didn't we win this battle already in like 1906?). ANd they are no alone, according to CNN, "at least 31 states are taking steps to teach alternatives to evolution." A CBS poll last November found 65 percent of Americans favor teaching creationism as well as evolution while 37 percent want creationism taught instead of evolution. WHAT?!?!?!?! Are these people crazy or are they stupid? Or do they just not care about their children's education?

I've got an idea, let's teach kids that America actually didn't win the Revolutionary War, that we are infact, still a vassal of the British Empire and teach everyone the words to God Save the Queen (no, not the Sex Pistols version). Or here's an idea, in English, let's cover the proper use of punctuation, but then teach that there is an alternate system, on in which instead of using a period at the end of our sentences, we just use an ampersand@ You know, I think they will be able to find great jobs in the future with that skill set@ How about in health class we let everyone know that the best way to stay healthy is a diet composed of twinkies@ Or how bout in Math we just teach that 2+2 equals 5????????!!!!!????

That's what they want to do to our children@ As if we are not already far enough behind the rest of the modern world, we want to saddle our future with teaching that is just wrong@ Amy I angry? Damn Right! This is getting minimal amount of coverage on the news networks, but it is an issue that everyone needs to get angry about@ Do you want the stupid people who think the world was created in 6 days and that Methusalah really was 800 years old to decide the curriculum?

There is actually a simple solution for these people@ Let them send their children to their bizarro little cultish indoctrinating religious schools so they can learn all the facets of Augustine and how many angels fit on the head of a pin@ Let's keep public schools free of unprovable philosophical pseudo-science and concentrate on getting our children ready for the actual world they will be living in@

Saturday in the Park (Friday and Sunday too)

Well, the hurricane never came, and so I guess I was justly rewarded with the hottest weekend of my life. Erin at one point said 'the must be what hell feels like' and I said I think we are still missing the open flames but man... each day was hotter than the last. But so was the music!

Friday we rolled into the fest around one, in time to catch a some of LEO KOTKE's set, a nice, austinish opening with a blueglass feel. He was playing with Mike GOrdon, bassist of Phish, so that was interesting. Kotke told like a five minute intro story for each song, so I don't think he was quite used to a one hour set.

We tracked back to the other side of the fest to catch KASABIAN, who, despite most of their songs sounding alike, turned out a monster performance.

The performance of the day came from husband and wife team MATES OF STATE, who sounded even better live than on record. What was also cute was how they seemed to sing every song to eachother. Of course it was also Anniversery Weekend so I was a little biased toward people showing true love on the stage but they are one band ready to break. Great harmonies and tempo shifts right our of prog rock, all with an upbeat joy that cannot be denied. They have a new album due in November... but if you need a a qucik intro, check out their EP ALL DAY featuring 4 songs that are perfect including a fun cover of Bowie's Starman.

We tracked back to the other side of the fest for Lucinda Williams who gave a great preformance. The highlight would have to be her dedication of the song CRESCENT CITY to the people of New Orleans.

We again tracked back to the other side of the fest to catch hometown favorites SPOON, who were awesome live as usual. Tracks from the new album sounded great and dominated the set which closed with the new masterpiece MY MATHEMATICAL MIND.

Again back across the fest for the ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND - who let me tell you, were awesome. I wish more classic bands would realize that their is an audience out their waiting to hear them at festivals like this. THe fact that a majority of the bands playing ACL fest would not even exist with the Allman Brothers was not lost on an appreciative audience who enjoyed classics like Run to Keep From RUnning and WHipping Post (which kicked ass).

We were going to head back to other side to catch Keane but at this point, despite the fact the sun had finally gone done, we were exhausted and didn't really want to walk more than we had to (we still had to walk back to the car). The closing act was THE BLACK CROWES wwho, to be honest, were a little wanky. They played a great version of She Talks to Angels, but other songs droned on past 10 minutes with all sorts of blues wank. Honestly, we left. We were tired and wanted to take a shower.

DAY TWO was supposed to be lost to Hurricane Rita, or atleast a little soggy. Instead, we didn;t even get the cloud cover we had the day before, and were treated to tempertures in the high nineties. We started the day around one again, enjoying the ASYLUM STREET SPANKERS who, despite being under-miked for the fest with their acoustic sound, pleased the crowd with hillarous songs like HICK HOP and a cover of the Circle Jerk's TV PARTY.

The performance of the day also came early on saturday with former Soul Coughing frontman MIKE DOUGHTY leading his new band through a selection of songs from his new album HAUGHTY MELODIC, his EP ROCKITTY ROLL, SOUL COUGHING, and surprising covers like HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF, THE GAMBLER and PARADISE CITY. Then theree was new song/jam FIRETRUCK, which, if you don't know, is little joke DOughty has with his fans. He had a great rapport with the fans and hopefully made some new ones.

We headed back across the fest (for the only time that day - we learned our lesson) to catch indie rock stalwarts BUILT TO SPILL who were pretty awesome but very poorly mixed. A little too much feedback for the sound board to handle. Somewhere near the end of this set Erin decided she needed to find some shade so she went off in search of shaved ice and temps below 90. She caught some of the WEARY BOYS in the covered Capital Metro, while I braved the heat to save our place for the upcome DCFC show and watched THE FRAMES from Ireland, who sound like an irish version of Kasabian, in other words, an irish version of everyone else.

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE exploded on the stage at 4:30 and the new album (PLANS) sounded great. They even threw an old SOMETHING ABOUT AIRPLANES track in for pre-OC fans (alwell as THE COMPANY CALLS from WE HAVE THE FACTS AND WE'RE VOTING YES). Anyway, it only confirmed the fact that DCFC cannot play for an hour. It's not enough time. They have gotten to headliner status very fast, and ACL just hadn't realized it.

We shifted our chairs from on stage to another (we had selected a location evenly between two) and enjoyed the bizarro punk of the FIERY FURNACES who are definitely a band to watch in the future.

Shift back to the other stage for Australian rockers JET, who really impressed us. They basically sound like Bachman Turner Overdrive meets AC/DC mixed with a little classic southern rock. How can that go wrong? THey felt huge on stage and definietly convinced me to buy their album.

Shifted our chair again for BLOC PARTY, a multi-cultural london ensemble with an eighties feel and ninties energy. We were enjying a Brick Oven Pizza (the best value in the food court) so didn't pay as much attention as we could, but they sounded pretty good. ALso, my chair broke.

The closing act of saturday was OASIS. Now let me tell you that I saw Oasis several years ago, but at the show I went to, Liam wasn;t feeling too well and Noel did the whole show himself. Which sounded the same. So it was little surprise to me that Liam was a spoiled little brat on stage saturday as well, such as walking off the stage introducing his brother with 'here's another song you won't know' or stopping a song in the middle to have them turn up his monitor. What a spoilt little brat. But they sounded great. ANd the new songs are finally back up to the level of their first two albums.

The final day, despite being the hottest (not a cloud in the sky) was the best all-around day for music. We began our day with indie singer-songwriter RACHEL YAMAGATA, who even led the crowd in a sing along.

The DOVES rocked out on the mainstage, very sharp especially during the percussion coda of THERE GOES THE FEAR. Every seemed to keep mentioning how hot it was in Austin.

THE BRAVERY sounded like the Killers, or rather, everyone else, but that didn't make them any less enjoyable. What did was lyrics like 'stop, drop and roll: you're on fire.' That and I was feeling like skin might in fact be on fire...

The most surprising performance of the day and quite possibly the best of the weekend came from THE ARCADE FIRE, montreal based rockers featuring violin, viola, frech horn, xylophone and a second percussionist who banged a cymbal so hard he broke it and them like basically passed out on stage. The music was comlicated and uplifting and influenced maybe by the Polyphonic Spree, and the Flaming Lips. One influence was worn on their sleeves, David Bowie, as they covered the great FIVE YEARS from the Ziggy Stardust album. Their set was so good, I rose from my heat induced slumber and stood up and danced.

As if that hadn't been good enough, they were followed by THE DECEMBRISTS, singing about scurvy, chimney sweeps and intramural sports. They even played about french canadien pirates and dedicated it to the Arcade Fire. This band also featured strange instrumentation (accordian, violin, xylophone) and if you don't know this band, you really should check them out. It was still pretty darn hot but the arcade fire gave us a second wind.

The sun set during FRANZ FERDINAND which was really glorious, and of course revealed the giant cloud of dust that had settled over the park. We found out the next day that it was actually 107 degrees. That's right ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN FREAKING DEGREES!!!!! Anyway, the scottish rockers debuted some great new material but really pleased the crowd with their hits, such as THIS FIRE and TAKE ME OUT. They certainly played like they were a headliner, and I am sure many of the people had come to see them and parked their chairs for Coldplay later but as good as FF is, I think they need to evolve a little if they are going to have staying power.

Erin and I had long since decided we didn't need to see 'headliners' Coldplay, so the final set of the night was Chicago-based post-rock/experimental TORTOISE who was simply amazing. Six bandmembers all of whom switched instruments several times created really complicated and brillaint music. Much of the show featured dual drummers, sometimes dual xylophonists (what was it is with xylophones todays?) - or rather a xylophone, a glockenspiel and a synthesized marimba. WOW. Unfortunately their closing number was so freaking loud and featured such piercing frequencies they may have permenently damaged Erin's hearing. But she was a little better this morning.

Anyway, a great fest. But a little damn hot.

Selfish Thoughts of a Man on Hurricane Path

So I'm sitting here watching endless coverage of the potential path of Rita, and I'm remembering the countless pictures of the destruction of Katrina, and all I can think of is that I have Austin City Limits Festival tickets this weekend that this whole hurricane thing is really messing with. How selfish is that? I know, but look... I'm tired of this weather crap. I'm ready to move to mudslides, earthquakes and wildfires, and away from hurricanes and floods. It's my frickin' aniversary this weekend, and last year, well, I had to wait three days to leave on my honeymoon because of the series of hurricanes in Florida.

Here's why I'm tired of this crap... it seems fairly obvious to me that this heightened hurricane activity is part of a global climate shift that we, as usual, are DOING NOTHING ABOUT! We drive our giant cars guzzling gasoline and refuse to build public transportation or a national/state-wide train systems (how I would have loved my 'road' trip to be a 'track' trip) and we pretend we aren't melting the ice caps and destroying the ozone... and then we're like 'why are the hurricanes so bad' or 'why is texas in the middle of a drought' or 'why are there more days over 100 degrees each successive year.' And then there are all these faux scientists saying this has nothing to do with global warming an that it is just a twenty year natural cycle. There may be cycles like that, but if you look back 20 years ago or 40 or 60 whenever these supposed cycles were back at their height, there has never been this many category 4 and 5 hurricanes in a two year period as there has been 2004-05, and we've still got a month to go. Let me repeat that: never. It has never been this bad.

And we spent $200 on our fricking ACL Fest tickets and have been looking forward to it for months. If no one else cares enough to stop giving tax breaks to car companies actively repressing electric cars, then why should I care about the side effects of their disregard. Don't get me wrong, my heart goes out to the people, all the individuals hurt by the hurricane, but its a shame that the weather can't be a little more focused and take out the places and people that deserve it... like all the politicians in DC who come up with tax breaks for companies hurt by the hurricane... like oh, Exxon. So the hurricane may be shifting away from a headon with Austin, and my precious festival will go on, but if we are going to stir everyone into uproar, let's get something out of it. Let's get some people really thinking about the world we are living in and what we can do to preserve it, rather than aggravate it.

Belated Movie Review: Just Like the Loss of the Character's Virginity

The last movie I saw before I left on the road trip was the quite good FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN. Despite being essentially one joke, this Steve Carell (THE OFFICE, THE DAILY SHOW) star turn delivers consistent laughs throughout. Carell is charming and hilarious and avoids all the easy nerd stereotypes to give a very detailed performance as the title character. He also benefits from a truly entertaining supporting cast, who could almost carry the show on their own. And I'm like who are these guys? Other than Catherine Keener (who is always good) you'd be hard pressed to find another actor with name recognition. The trio of men who coach Carell through his quest all have their own little take on love and relationships giving the movie several different approaches. Each one was so detailed I found myself looking forward to a DVD of deleted scenes to see more of them. Keener is very good and the very real. She always seems to be as able to pull off drama in the midst of comedy as comedy in the midst of drama. Carell also comes across a couple very hilarious misfires in the dating world, including the hilarious Barnes and Noble pick-up of "Beth."

The movie kind of peters out at the end with a movie-cliche chase type scene, and the very very end feels lifted right out of another movie, but it was not enough to keep me from smiling. I recommend the movie for anyone who felt pressure to 'lose it,' fans of Steve Carell, movie goers who don't want to think too hard, and anyone with a secret stash of action figures hidden away. Rick's Rating: A-

Lions and Tigers But No Bears, oh my - the trip home

We headed down I-15 to SanDiego, stopping in Oceanside along the way to gas up and to use the bathroom - of course they didn't have a bathroom at the gas station so I had to sneak into KFC. We decided to pass on Legoland because we had taken a longer breakfast in LA with Richard (to play our fourth game that weekend of Settlers of Cataan, everyone's favorite dork gathering game). Our other little disappointment was that Susan who we were heading to stay with had come down with Bronchitis, so we could stay with her but she wasn't going to be able to hang out at all. We ate that night at a local mexican restaurant, which was okay, and then saw THE CONSTANT GARDENER, which I'll review next week, but in short it's pretty good with some flaws, a B, maybe B+.

THe next day, Colin ate 8 eggo waffles... that's right, 8. I had two and some fruit. I just point that out for later. THen we went to the San Diego Wildlife Park, which is really something. We started with this hour long train ride around the park with a tour guide who seemed to know absolutely everything. Highlights include baby elephants, two rhinos who seemed to think they were in a production of THE FANTASTICS, and learning about bachelor herds (when one male has taken control of the females, the other males have to band together for support). We walked around and saw canadian condors, which are really fricking ugly! After visiting lions and tigers I realized that this zoo had no bears. Colin says its cause the emphasis was on africa and asia but how can you have a zoo without bears. I guess they might at the main zoo, but I like bears. I adopted one at saveourbears.org. Then we had lunch. Colin's lunch was chilli cheese fries. THat's it. He said he wasn't really hungry, I wonder why. After visiting the lemurs (and reminiscing about the movie Madgascar) and the meerkats, we were back on the road. Well, for a moment. COlin spent the rest of the day with food poisoning. He thinks the chilli maybe wasn't kept warm enough... who knows. But I had to do a good deal of driving from there on.

The only highlight of the drive was going up into the mountians 4000 feet and then back down to sea level in a matter of a few miles. We stayed in Tucson at a Ramada, the nicest hotel of the trip. The next day we headed out to the San Xavier Del Bac Mission, the best preserved mission in the southwest. It was unfortunately receiving an outer restoration but inside was amazing... It had one of the those creepy life size wooden statues with clothing that people pinned their prayers to... a little on the pagan side I think for most religions but hey, whatever makes the people happy, right? Up a hill nearby they was a grotto where they had been a 'visitation' in the past. We rode out of Tucson and east, because Colin refused to go to the Biosphere, which I was really excited about... but oh well.

And Rolled into Tombstone. WHich is a great little tourist site, lots of small shops and little museums without being out of control tacky. There is also a bit of charm in the fact that the city most important landmark, the OK Corral, looks like it hasn;t received a tourism makover since 1955. The 'historama' features narration by Vincent Price' and a rotation animatronic mountain full of figurines that play out the storied past of the town. The other facet of the OK Corral is a full scale reenactment which is actually not done on the location of the the original shootout, but a hundred feet away on a little stage with a fake city backdrop... can't really explain that one. On the location of the actual shootout there are 4 ft tall anamatronic figures that lift and point guns to a prerecorded soundtrack. We ate at Big Nose Kate's Saloon, the location of the hotel (and Brothel) owned by Doc Holliday's girlfriend. We ate pizza (which was not, fortunately, the frozen variety of the tombstone name) and were served by a 'buxom' lass dressed up ... well... I think they were taking the brothel heritage into the present business. There was also this great singer/guitarist who sang Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson and had to get up in the middle of his set because they were going to town his car.

The final stop of the day, and really of the trip, was THE THING IN THE DESSERT, this crazy tacky idea to get people off the expressway into a gas station. Basically, about 20 miles before the exit, we ware bombarded with billboards, one every 500 feet or so, advertising THE THING, with sayings such as 'you don't know who you are until you are faced with the thing" and also advertising the gas station gift shop and Dairy Queen. Anyway. you pay your dollar and head back through a series of metal storage sheds, each filled with a variety of interesting items, including classic cars, wood sculptures and full size diarama of a torture chamber... you certainly get your dollars worth just out of the strangeness of it all, and the capitalistic brilliance of creating the elaborate non-attraction just to get people off the road. Anyway, in the final storage shed is the THING. And it is pretty non-impressive. And not really worth a dollar. But the whole experience is. I don't feel I should reveal what the thing is... if you are ever near the arizona/new mexico border on I-10 you should check it out.

Anyway, we stayed the night in Las Cruces and at this great local Tex-Mex place LA POSTA, which was originally a boarding stop for the wells fargo wargo and pony express and other such entities. It's been serving food since 1939 and was writtin up in Life Magazine in 1957 as one of the 50 restaurants in the country you should visit on a driving tour of america. Needless to say, it was good. And had something that was close to Queso, which at this point I am missing like crazy.

The next day we drove back to austin, El Paso has got to be the largest city in America in terms of land area, the exits 17 to 38 were all El Paso. At exit 477 we finally turned off I-10, man Texas is big, and headed through Fredericksburg and Johnson City, back to my baby in Austin. Hey, don't drive around Texas for fun. Just some advice.

Anyway, here's the final tally:
Total Mileage: 4030
States Visited: 7
State Peed by the side of the Road in: 7
Best Hotel: Ramada Limited, Tucson
Worst Hotel: Octillo Inn, Carlsbad
Best Food: The Italian Restaraunt in Marina Del Ray
Worst Food: Ft. Stockton
Most Impressive Natural Site: Grand Canyon (duh)
Least Impressive Natural Site: Four Corners
Most Impressive Manmade Site: The Strip in Vegas
Least Impressive: The Thing in the Desert (duh)
Most Heard Song: Sloop John B, the Beach Boys
Casualites of the Drive: Colin's watch (somewhere in Tucson), Rick's bottle of face wash (Susan's House), Rick's Watch (Richard's house), Colin's Sunglasses (broke while on his face), The shampoo we took from the Stratosphere Hotel (also at Susan's)
Total Expenditure on Gas: $571
Cost per mile traveled: approximately 14 cents

How Can You Swim In a Town This Shallow? - 3 days in LA

Not that any of my friends are shallow, just quoting a song and making an observation. Sitting in a diner, walking down the street, its like everyone you pass must first to check if you are anyone and if you are not smile and walk on or look away...

We arrived in the late evening at Donna and Richard's new place, three blocks from Richard's old place, where I've been several times, but that didn't stop me from getting lost on the way. Then off to Barney's Beanery, where I've now eaten each time I've visited LA. But that's okay cause the menu is like 15 pages. Weird thing - walked in and was immediately recognized by one of my former Acting One students from IU - I fortunately remembered her name. My friend Brent met us over there - I hadn't seen Brent in like 3 years (cause the bum was too poor to make it out to my wedding :) so that was cool. Richard almost didn't recognize him because his hair is no longer dye blonde like it was back when he was in like very show I directed...

The next morning featured an early morning breakfast special at SWINGERS (early morning by the way there is 11:00 am) and a trip to, as Joey would call it Grown Man's Chinese Theatre. We trounced on some star's stars - the picture with Telly Savalas' star is in honor of the screenplay I just finished. We ate at Mel's Holywood Diner, when the power goes out (apparentally it was on the national news). We drove on Mullholland Drive and then Colin went off to stay with a friend of his from Carleton (and took my truck - the first time I've let my truck go on an overnight with another boy). Richard, Donna and I met up with the Indiana University contingent: Brad Fletcher, Sara formerly Rebrovic now Fletcher, Kenny Dellinger, David Mickler, and Amber, whose last name I don't think I've ever known. We met at some healthy sandwhich shop, which was Sara's pick I assumed since she's the healthy one (actually it was Brad's pick, which I knew, but Sara is the one who took him there in the first place). We ate and drank, and drank some more, then went to the cheesecake factory and drank some more, then I went back to Brad and Sara's place and drank more! THat's right, it was like being in College again. Well, grad school, I never really drank in college. It was three years in a program that never beleived in me that drove me to drink :)

Brad was not feeling too well the next morning. I also think their dog took a big crap in the room I was sleeping in... some time in the middle of the night when I got up to go to the bathroom. Oh, incidentally, I should mention I was spending the night in the Malkovich room, ceiling height about 4 ft, and I had put up the little gate to keep the dog out. Anyway Sara had to go to class (I seem to remember her having a book open on her lap the night before) and Brad went off to work. Colin, Richard and I met up with David and Kenny at Jerry's American Deli and then Kenny snagged some comp tickets to Universal Studios from Clearchannel where he and David (and Brent, actually) work. Let me tell you, the last time I went to Universal Studies I was 2 years old and it has really changed... first of all, no Cylons! and the whole tram ride, it was like one long sales pitch, for the gift shop, and DVDs of universal movies. And we didn;t even get to do all the normal tram things, like the parting of the red sea, where we just drove through, or the collapsing bridge which was just pointed out to us on the side. The highlight of the day had to be the WATERWORLD STUNT SPECTACULAR. I can't imagine whose brilliant idea it was to do an attraction based on this mega-bomb, but there it was, in all its glory. It was fun and maybe I'll give waterworld another watch sometime soon. I do love the postman.

That night Colin, Richard, Donna and I met up with Colin's friend Jade who works at Zoic Studios doing CGI shading on Battlestar Galactica, everyone's new favorite show. We ate at this great classic Italian Restaurant in Marina Del Rey. I met Brent later that night at a neighborhood bar and then he took me to the odd Mexican Wrestling Themed Bar (just pictures on the wall no real wrestling). Anyway, all these great friends over a a few days... I should totally move to LA. I'd have to bring my wife though... I miss her too much as it is, so I can't move to Cali without her.

The Weekend: Vegas, Baby!

So the first typical Vegas story is the way we followed the signs to the hotel registration desk, parked the truck and then went in to check in. But of course the desk was on the far side of the casino, so you could play all these beautiful slot machines on the way... Plus then it was 10:30 and apparentally that is prime time to check in to hotel in Vegas. Most people who come to Vegas these days stay on the strip. It is questionable whether THE STRATOSPHERE is really on the strip or not, if it is, it is certainly on the far end of it, which is also funny to me because the last time I came to Vegas I stayed just one hotel closer.

Anyway, we picked up Brian at the airport and zoomed back to the hotel, with plans of going to sleep early so we could get up fresh the next day. But that was before we realized that Colin had never seen Misery with Kathy Bates, so of course that put off the going to bed... Spending time in your vegas hotel room is actually difficult, because unlike every other hotel in the world where they want you to be comfortable, here they want you to leave your room... and go down stairs, and gamble. Cruddy airconditioning, no fridge, expensive cokes and would you beleive is no FREE WIRELESS INTERNET!

The next day we headed back out to the Hoover Dam (in day light this time) Did you realize that the new parking garage next to the hoover dam cost more than the dam itself? (not adjusted for inflation). Apparently the tour has been shortened since 9/11, can't blame them, but we didn't get to go into any of the tunnels etc. THe oddest part of the damn are these giant bronze wingered guardians on either side of a floor of astrological designs...free masonry at its finest, showing all human history from the building of the pyramids, to the birth of 'Our Lord Jesus CHrist The Savior' as one tour guid described it, to the building of the hoover dam.

Most of the rest of the weekend was spent 'on the strip.' The first night we had amazingchips at La Isla in Treasure Island (the rest of the food was good too) and felt jipped when the free pirate show was cancelled on a account of high wind. We then took in the the volcano at the Mirage, the Anamatronic destruction of Atlantis at Caesar's and the dancing fountains at the Bellagio. The next day we started at the Monte Carlo, whihc is actually pretty old school now, but nice (and we did pretty well there), New York New York, The MGM GRAND (we saw the lions), Paris, and we went in the Belagio, saw the conservatory and ate great gellato. We especially enjoyed O'SHEA'S one of the many low end casinos still surviving on the strip. The highlight of the weekend for me was going to the Wynn to see the just open AVENUE Q, fresh from Broadway and featuring several of the original cast members. Its a puppet musical that plays like an adult version of sesame street. Hilarious. After that we began to search for food 'off the strip' to save a little money. An hour later we returned to the hotel with Wendy's.

That quest continued in the morning. We though we remembered seeing signs on the highway for a $3.99 buffet at Boulder Station, a casino off the strip that makes the stratospehere seem classy. Plus there was this huge line to get in to the buffett so we ended up in henderson, the town half way to the hoover dam where I had bought an electric razor the day before, and ate at an Applebees. Which actually has queso. Not great queso, but at this point it has risen to a high 2nd on the things I am missing on the trip. That's also not the full story, as we somehow took the wrong turn on our way to Boulder station and ended in the desert half way to salt lake city. But we did find cheap gas. $2.79 a gallon. After lunch we hit the strip again, the excalibur which is CHEESY, the luxor, which we really liked and mandalay bay. Overall, my favorite slot machines were ENCHANTED UNICORN, SEA MONKEYS, and SALMON RUN which featured bears. But I mostly played video poker.

Then Colin and I had to abandon Brian to drive to Los Angeles. Brian's plane was leaving at 6 ... the next morning, so we dropped him off back at the stratosphere $50 dollars down, we'll see where he ends up. I ended $30 down and Colin, a dollar. But then again Colin only bet $2 the whole weekend... We drove on through Nevada, taking a stop at JEAN, where I had set the opening of a screenplay, taking pictures of the prison. A trip across the Mohave Desert brought us into L.A. around 10 pm. Actually I'm pretty sure we were in the LA suburbs by 8:45, it just took us that long to get around to where we needed to be.



Best Slots: O'Shea's
Best Decor: Bellagio
Cheesiest Decor: Excalibur
Hotest Cocktail Waitresses: Treasure Island
Best Free Show: The Fountains at the Bellagio
Best Show We Didn't See: BITE (the erotic vampire revue)

ROAD TRIP SOUTHWEST: A Day of Natural Beauty and Human Ridiculousness

Opening Location: Tuba City, AZ

Closing Location: Las Vegas, NV

Mileage: 440

Gas Expendiure: $50

We headed south from Tuba City into the Grand Canyon National park. Along the way, members of the Navajo Nation had set up wooden booths by the side of the highway, warning us of their presence with such signs as “friendly Indians ahead” and then after we passed “friendly Indians behind you,” “you just passed us,” and “turn around and shop.” We entered the Grand Canyon from the North entrance of the south rim, apparently not the most popular way, so we got some pretty empty views at the start of our journey. Colin enjoyed hearing German at basically every stop. It was a little overcast so we missed the sun for most of the morning, but I think our photographs still turned out pretty amazing. At one location, the Grandview Point, we found a path going down. Colin and I went down a few hundred feet to get interesting pictures and then Colin, a wee bit afraid of heights turned back and I said I was going to ‘go on a bit.’ I followed the path down the canyon on and on, eventually caught up with these two guys from California and we continued the descent, eventually reaching a mesa in the middle of the canyon, the Horseshoe Mesa (I found out later). I decided I better head back, knowing the way back up would be harder than the way down. Colin had come down to the last point he saw me, calling it the “stairs of death” with visions of me falling over the side of the canyon, and called out to me just at the right time (I was thinking how much fricking further do I have to climb). After I got to the top, massively hydration deprives, I read the sign about how many people die in the canyon each year and saw that I had descended at least 2500 feet, but of course was going back and forth, back and forth across the face of the cliff. A few more vistas and a visitor center and I was done. I was probably done as soon as I got up the canyon face, my ankles were throbbing, but I powered through. We hit the two gift shops in the village, one which featured several signs warning people the products were ‘not made by native americans’ and another one which seemed to have some legitimate native American art and artifacts. I strongly recommended to Colin that he not buy the fake Indian art and he allowed himself to be influenced - by his own admission he thought the legitimate art was better than the faux art.

I blurted out to Colin that the Grand Canyon was big but it wasn’t going to be real for me till I saw it on the big screen. So we headed out of the park to the south, stopping in Tusayon ten miles away to watch the IMAX Grand Canyon movie – which I am pretty sure I’ve actually scene before, I don’t know where that would have been but it seemed too recognizable.

We filled up our tank in Williams Arizona and then headed out on historic Route 66, the longest stretch of it left in America. There were lots of little shops and gas stations along the way all either done up in period or actually left over from period. Two particular highlights were this crazy gas station in the middle of no where (well, Hackberry) all done up with signage, and this hotel with a giant stone head in front of it, ‘Headicus.’ We ate in a Rt. 66 diner in Kingman which was pretty good, but a little of the faux side (that’s the second time I’ve typed faux in my life) – (that was the third time).

We headed up in to Nevada and crossed over the Hoover Dam – they had to search our car before we drove over it – I guess 9 pm is prime terror time. We were wondering how far it would be to Vegas until we began to see the light bleed into the night sky and at about 30 miles away we could already see the stratosphere – the tallest manmade structure west of the Mississippi. But that’s for another blog…

Soundtracks for the Day: CANYON DREAMS, authentic Native American Flute Music, LOUD, FAST, AND OUT OF CONROL, the Rhino collection of 50’s Music, and the SWINGERS SOUNDTRACK.

DAY THREE: I Found My Purpose

Opening Location: Cortez, CO

Closing Locaton: Tuba City, AZ

Mileage: 305

Gas Expenditure: $35

A more relaxing day, but then again, anything is more relaxing than 12 hours of driving. Of course, we slept in pretty late and made it out to the Mesa Verde around 11:00 am. The funniest thing about the park is that it takes an hour to get from the park entrance to anything interesting to look at. Other than the scenery of course. But by this time, you know, scenery was old hat. I mean come on, I grew up in Illinois… the most topographically interesting state in the Union. So we got up there finally and then took a driving tour around the canyon ridge so we were not actually able to go inot the ruins, but to see them really well from a far. But they are pretty fricking cool. We learned a great deal about the culture of the anasazi, who are a ‘native american’ tribe, one of the many that I am sure our government made a treaty with and then steamrolled over. But that was much after they built these charming adobe homes with canyon views and quarter mile climbs to any water or food source. The Anasazi Indians for reasons unknown abandoned these dwellings in 1280. Of course the maybe the whole food/water scarcity had something to do with it.

We then drove an hour back to the park entrance and another hour on to FOUR CORNERS, the only place in America where you can stand in four states at once. See if you can guess the states. The whole little made up monument is run by the Navajo nation, so I did not feel bad about giving them my $3 for entrance and $2 for some Indian flatbread. I was going to be a shirt but the only thing I had left was these blankets, covered in smallpox…

Then on to MONUMENT VALLEY… featured in several movies and the US Marine commercial where he scales the cliff and then receives his sword. The part about this attraction is that it was basically on the way to where we were going anyway, and it was visible entirely from the highway, so we just drove along and stopped every few minutes to take pictures.
Along the way we stopped for gas in Bluff, Utah, a mormon city where I paid 35 dollars in cash for 10 gallons of gas on a pump where the numbers didn’t move and handed it over to a woman with half a hand who told me that the gas prices were ruining the economy. I of course agreed with her but quickly got out of her store before she tried to sell me any onf the so called ‘indian artifacts’ set out unmarked on a plastic card table.

We got into Tuba City at about 7:30, which was a nice change of pace. Had a relaxing diner and went to bed early. I also got free internet access that actually worked, unlike in Cotez where I couldn’t upload any pictures or Carlsbad where they were like ‘the internet… yeah um… we don’t have that here.” And I was like is there an internet café or something and they didn’t know what that was either. I then asked if there was a starbucks in town (knowing they usually have a pay service – and I’ve never in my life asked for a starbucks) and she said “oh, this is a small town” Of course, they had a fricking wall-mart. And so did Tuba City for that matter, and Cortez. I hate Wallmart. They can donate all they want to the new Orleans relief effort but that doesn’t make up for a business model of exploiting America’s Poor. They suck. Anyway, way off track. The Hotel at Tuba City was the original Mormon Trading post that was built in 1905. When the city became Navajo reservation territory they had to sell it to the Indians, which is pretty funny because all the stuff they were trading was like Indian jewelry etc, so they ended up getting a lot of there own stuff back. Anyway the staff there was very nice and helpful and I hihly recommend you stay there for your Grand Canyon needs rather than the typical and more expensive ports of call.

Most Interesting Conversation Topic: How well people of different races age … i.e. which peoples stay cuter longer

New found PURPOSE: to pee on the roadside of every state we pass through. … 5 states down, 2 to go.

Road Trip Southwest: The Long Drive

DAY TWO

Opening Location: Carlsbad, NM
Closing Location: Cortez, CO
Mileage: 704
Gas Expenditure: $108

Woke up early and enjoyed a very adequate continental breakfast at the hotel formerly known as Quality. Another benefit of staying at the Octillo Inn was the bonus friend in our bathroom that morning, a large black scarab looking creature that lived even after Colin attempted to slam an ice bucket on it. We drove the twenty miles to the Carlsbad National Park, very excited to see the gas station at its entrance advertising $2.89 a gallon. Our ascent up the hillside was only eventful in that I kept missing the turn off to park and take photos. At the top we watched a discovery channel film about caverns … with very poor sound and then began our descent into the caverns, electing to take the natural route. It was an amazing steep incline for an hour at least. After all the hub bub about not touching anything and how they were preserving the caverns forever, I had to wonder at the huge asphalt ramp we were walking down. But apparently that doesn’t bother anyone. We had these audio guide things which, unlike some I’ve had in the past which were walkmans you hung around your neck, this was a long plastic rectangle on which you entered a number and then held it up to your ear. Of course that only left you one hand for the slippery steel railing … and then if you were holding a camera … forget about it. C was in fact holding a camera, or rather using one every few feet… we’ll see if any of those turn out. I’d say about a third of the photos I took with my digital turned out. At the bottow there is a very cool 50’s looking eating place… with food prepackaged in plastic to survive the descent. I just opted for a coke, my first of the day and I was really needing it after that. We then followed the ‘big room’ tour around the the bottom of the caverns which was, of course, amazing. Yeah, Natural Bridge outside of San Antonio’s got nothing on this place. Up the elevators in one minute we were back at the top, ready to drive back down the hill, this time taking photos along the way. We had one last stop before leaving the area and that was to get that cheap gas. We pulled up only to find they were out of the regular gas and only had the premium (which was of course just as expensive as gas back in the town). So we drove back to town and bought gas at $3.09 a gallon.

The next stop was Roswell. The drive to it was rather uninteresting. But the town did feature lampposts with little alien faces and we ate at an Arby’s whose front sign said ‘Aliens Welcome.’ I of course accidentally ordered a sandwhich which had some sort of rancid sauce on it so I couldn’t eat it. That’s a good way to keep on a diet. The UFO research and science Center is this crazy hollowed out movie theater with information about the so-called ‘Roswell Incident’ posted up on tack boards, with all sorts of signed affidavits and photos. I have to admit I was impressed with both the thoroughness of the descriptions and its balance. They gave a very well argued alternate explanation involving the government testing a weather balloon system which was supposedly going to be used to predict Soviet missile launches. Anyway, I think you could easily come out believing the same thing you went in with, as Colin and I did. He believes that obviously the government was covering up something there, but not that it was an alien crash landing. I am inclined to believe it was aliens… there is just too many people involved whose stories reflect that. Anyway, it was a small well done museum and a nice way to spend an hour and a half.

After hitting the gift shop we were off again, our next planned stop being diner in Santa Fe, we had a little extra time. I suggested to Colin we might take this alternate route because then we might go buy the ruins of a Pueblo city by Peco. He agreed and we rolled across this gravelly road partially overgrown by weeds on the side and through the middle of no where. And then it began to rain. And then we hit this ‘city’ with lots of twisty streets (well the street we were on became twisty as it went up and around hills at 15 miles an hour). Anyway, by the time we got back to a major highway the sun was in the process of setting and we figured we would not really be able to see the ruins. But we went anyway and of course found the gate closed saying the park closed at 6 pm, it was now 7:15. We could see the top of one of the ruins, so I took a picture and we got in. When we got back into the car, Colin was like too bad they closed at 6 and I promptly announced that I had read that in the book and he was like well why did we come and I said I wanted to see if we could see anything from the road. He was not very happy with that response. And said “You’re an ass.”

And we drove the thirty minutes to Santa Fe to eat at the Cowgirl Hall of Fame. Which was highly recommended in the guide book and right near the old part of Santa Fe. I had a buffalo burger, like made from an actual buffalo, which pretty much tasted like a burger. Colin unfortunately had an esphogal issue and couldn’t eat his meal. But the décor was nice… pictures of competitive cowgirls from the thirties I guess. And the waitresses all dressed as cowgirls. We seemed to be the only table with a cowboy waiter. And he had an earring and a leather hat. I guess it’s the new west.

We quickly drove past the oldest buildings in Santa Fe, one of which was the seat of the Spanish government for the area back in 1700. And then on to Cortez in Colorado, and on and on and on and on. I don’t know what I was thinking putting us up there… it was like a 4 hour drive that we started at 10 pm. We finally hit the travellodge at 2 am. C wailed on the doorbell several times to awaken the desk clerk, who also checked us out in the morning … he didn’t look to happy with us. But we slept in, we had to start our next day a little behind schedule.

Conversational question of the day: Why are people like Paris Hilton famous?
Debate of the Day: What’s the difference between believing in God and believing in the aliens?

ROAD TRIP - DAY ONE

Opening Location: Austin, TX

Closing Location: Carlsbad, NM

Miles on the Road: 546

So when Don and Lisa finally decided to pull out from behind my truck Road Trip: Southwest could finally begin. I of course picked up Colin a few minutes late at the Austin Airport, but his plane got in early so he would have had to wait anyway. Realized C and I never discussed whether I was coming in to the airport to meet him or driving the little pick-up loop and I thought I would nice if I could call C on my cell phone … but hey, he doesn’t have one. I wonder if that will be an issue on the trip. Why is that all my friends seem to be the last ones on Earth to have the basic necessities like a cell phone?

We made good time to San Antonio, than lost a bunch of time when we entered the Riverwalk and turned the wrong way, and ended up by a little waterfall that I had never seen before and no restaurants. Unfortunately, Alison was on the real Riverwalk at the tex-mex restaurant and we had to walk like a mile and a half back to her. After lunch of fajitas (R) and enchiladas (C) we went to the Alamo which C remarked was ‘very small.’ Even though Alison and I both said it like three times before. We completed our tour of the Alamo in about 7 minutes, spending a little time by the big tree outside. Then we snuck into the Menger Bar (where Teddy Roosevelt recruited the roughriders) to use the bathroom. Then Alison drove us back to our car … since we were fricking tired of walking in the hot sun.

Then the first long drive. The rolling hills of San Antonio gave way to the awesome Mesas of Sonora gave way to the dull flat lands of Fort Stockton. By the way, we filled up the tank in Sonora at $3.19 a gallon… that set me back $60 – the most I have ever paid for Gas in my life. We at dinner at the “Steak House Restaurant” in Fort Stockton which featured a ‘stirring’ mural of horseys and cowboys across the entire fall. Aw… Filet Mignon… at least that’s what they called it. And damn fine chicken noodle soup.

The final drive to Carlsbad was in the dark, which was just as well because it looked like absolutely nothing to see. Flat flat flat. We then spent a few extra minutes finding our hotel because they had changed the name since we made the reservations.

Conversation Topics: What’s wrong with our Government

What’s wrong with our political system

Civilization 4

Average male penis size and length of sexual encounters

Nuclear Proliferation

Environmental Policy and what it can do for you.

The problems if organized Religion

Trying to remember any movies that came out this year that didn’t suck

Music: Kill Bill Soundtrack, Tori Amos, Pink Floyd, Death Cab for Cutie, Queen, Duran Duran, Genesis